life lately

Two days ago I was driving up our mountain and listening to a song. I was worshipping and singing along with it when I just felt the Holy Spirit gently fall and I just responded with, “yea.” I knew that I had been praying and listening to Bible studies and being in a mindful spirit daily, but I hadn’t sat at the feet of my Father in all of the busyness of life. I don’t think I ever realized how much time flies until our community group started a book study and we had to read a certain amount every week. I would be shocked at how fast I fell behind and how much we were supposed to have read. Has it really been 4 weeks since I’ve ready anything? (About to get real) Has it really been 4 weeks since I’ve sat at my Father’s feet and wept? Has it been 4 weeks since I’ve slowed my mind longer than 2-3 minutes and truly listened to what the Lord wanted to speak to me? Yes, I have prayed daily and spent time listening to His word, but I hadn’t lingered in the silence for what seemed like a few days but in reality was quite a while. 

It has been weeks where I’ve felt this weird tugging in my spirit that is unsettling and I just want to have conversations with my community about life right now, but that just hasn’t happened. I want to be able to share burdens and struggles and joys and triumphs with those around me, but it is proving to be challenging to do so. There isn’t this backyard community where we just walk a few blocks to each other’s front porches and sit there a little longer in the fading summer sun. Yes, these might be lofty goals and maybe only doable in a generation gone by, but I still have hopes and dreams that we can get back to this type of culture.  

The thing that weighs most heavily is the fact that I am 31 years old, and feel like I am wasting away. What the heck am I doing with my life? That question is getting louder and louder as time passes. For as long as I can remember, I’ve known that the Lord has a plan for my life and might (correction: is) only be giving me one little bit at a time. That makes me ask the question, well when *will* I know what this great plan is and when can I start acting it out? Am I already? I don’t feel like I am. Will the Lord one day just drop it on me and boom, there I go. Will it take 50 more years to come to fruition?! Ugh. All the things.

Here’s what’s in my heart - I want to go and speak to millions of people about their stories, how unique they are, and how they matter. I want to ask questions people aren’t asking. I want to probe hearts and to stir dreams and visions that people are afraid to awaken themselves. I want to affirm identities and challenge mindsets. What are our biases? What are the things holding us back? What do we say about our own identities? Who do we let influence us?

How do I get there? I thought about writing a book, and then using that as a platform to go all around the country speaking about it. I don’t consider myself a writer at all, but a storyteller. I love communication and I love a captive audience. I love what stories do for culture. The hope of hearts as they connect to another’s spirit - it’s just so special. I’ve been telling stories all my life. Although my Dad used to urge me to just get to the point...he was just as much of a storyteller as I am. It was the rare occurrence but every so often I would get to hear him as he sat around talking to his friends or a group of people captivated by his words. I could then see where I get it from.  

At this point, it feels like that dream is light years away. How will I *ever* get there? I have no idea. What makes it worse, is that I have all these things where I think “I could do that” in terms of a career. The list continues to grow and as it does, the water never clears from its murky state. I want to help people, this I know. How to get there or what steps to take to get there - I have no idea. I don’t even know which thing I should pursue (if any). So here I sit, still confused, the path unclear, but I remain hopeful that the Lord’s will be done and that He will draw near as I draw near to Him.